Dearest Internet,
This weekend, the Irish community celebrated a very
important holiday, St. Patricks Day. As many of you non-Irishmen and women will
remember from that one episode of The
Simpsons, St. Patrick Day celebrates St. Patrick (GASP!), a man who
famously banished the snakes from Ireland, which, according to a person a
Tumblr, is actually a metaphor for killing all the druids, an ancient pagan
religion, not a class in World of
Warcraft. This fact got me thinking about another group of people who like
genocide, Death Eaters, which led to the obvious conclusion that Voldemort and
Jesus share at least one similarity. “Surely not” I thought “Voldemort and
Jesus can’t be the same person. They’re so different”. But then I got thinking.
Really thinking and I was forced to ask myself one serious question-ARE
Voldemort and Jesus the same person? Here is a list of the compelling reasons
why-be warned, they may blow your mind:
- Let’s start off with the physical features. When, in the Bible did it ever say Jesus had a nose? I’m not bothered enough to check, but it probably didn’t. And if you were writing the Gospel’s, would you include the fact that your saviour had no nose? I wouldn’t, that would be weird. He’s not Tyrion Lanister. And I know what you are going to say. Explain all the paintings in which Jesus has a nose. Well to those people I will just tell them to watch Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone. Guess what wraith attached to the back of Professor Quirell’s head had a nose? That is right, Lord Voldemort. Just like Chris Columbus, Leonardo Da Vinci used something I like to call artistic licence.
- According to Google, the title Lord means: “A man of noble rank or high office”. Lord is a position shared by both of them. But is it ever explained what they are Lords of? I bet Voldemort would describe a land free of muggles and mud-bloods to be a heaven as well.
- They both have this weird obsession with blood. I mean seriously, drinking blood is generally considered a weird thing to do. And at least Voldemort is ashamed, he does it in the middle of the night in the Forbidden Forest and he still wears a hood, so all the birds won’t know he is drink blood. But Jesus actually tells his followers to eat his body and drink his blood. THAT IS CANNIBALISM! Seriously Jesus, follow Voldemort’s example. We live in an open minded society, but there are still barriers. Geez. [A personal note; when I had the idea to write this, I never actually thought I would compare Voldemort to Jesus and Voldemort would come out on top]
- Think about it. Have you ever seen Voldemort and Jesus together? Neither have I.
- They both came back to life. This point spawns many subpoints, like two horny rabbits or Angelina Jolie at an adoption agency (easy shot I know but I’m playing Batman).
a.
More importantly, the both come back as human.
This means they didn’t come back as a zombie, a vampire, some kind of
Frankenstein’s monster-esque thing or anything. But in the same way they
already are. Not even Superman can do that and he can shoot lasers from his
eyes. I mean I’m more of a Batman person myself but HE CAN SHOOT FREAKING LASER BEAMS FROM
HIS EYES! Not even Smallville can lessen that achievement.
b.
Voldemort came back to life using Horcruxes, two
of which were in living beings. To make a Horcrux, you need to be an
exceptionally evil wizard and fulfil this formula: kill one person = create one
Horcrux. I’m no theologist, but I know for a fact the only logical explanation
for Jesus coming back to life is to use Horcruxes. BUT WAIT! If 13 years of
Catholic education has taught me one thing. It’s that Jesus lives in all of us,
meaning we’re all JESUS’ HORCRUXES! IMAGINE HOW BIG AND BOLD I WILL HAVE TO
MAKE THAT WHEN I REPEAT IT SO THAT IT’S LARGER THAN THE POINT ABOUT SUPERMAN! WE ARE ALL
JESUS’ HORCRUXES!! But when
you think about it, it gets more disturbing. Jesus has been dead for 2000
years, and I’ve done the maths and worked out the amount of people that have lived
between now and then is approximately a shit tonne. So according to my prior
formula, imagine how many people Jesus would have had to kill to get that much.
Let’s just say the dinosaurs weren’t killed by a meteorite.
Congradulations. You made it to the end of my
list. You are a truly strong and noble person. If you’re faith has been shaken or
even shattered by this stunning revelation, I apologise, and can only suggest
you instead turn to Superman. He can shoot lasers. From his eyes. Why am I the
only one that sees this as a big deal?
On a personal note, I realise I am posting this on the
internet, and on the off chance that this is read by someone other than my
friends, I would just like to say that this is was written with the intent of
making people laugh, not to offend or devalue anybody’s belief systems. If I
have offended you, I am deeply deeply sorry, but if you feel the need to
comment, which by all means do, please keep it tasteful. Thank you in advance.
